Parody

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source
thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance
without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to
behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight
diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule,
aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his
ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more
vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior
level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a
180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He
was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with
blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so
much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive
of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly
lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to
one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task,
he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in
lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium
forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then
propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a
movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions
of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to
that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously
beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."

Sounds like something Pop Pop's friend would write!

I've Noticed

So Okay,,,, the wabbit and myself have had much on our plate... Tonite I am home and came here to get some relief... and REALLY wanted to read her take on the Tiger shit...
and the bullshit about Nike wanting to sponsor his wife for the new golf club, with the claim that it is the only club that can beat Tiger.......
All the crap aside.... I really wanted to be distracted with some real insight other than all the BULL in the papers, and TV on a very personal thing that was better left alone to a private personal matter...
I gotta say... "Shame on the whole thing" Shame Shame Shame... will we really know the whole story? who gives a crap... he screwed up a good thing.... Shame Shame Shame... I've been out of the loop and really don't pay much attention to the gossip columns but... TIGER??? HELLO????? Shame Shame Shame I'm thinking from what I've gleaned... Is there a man alive that doesn't equate fame with fornication?

Xerox helps you say Thanks

from Anhaga:

XEROX IS DOING SOMETHING COOL

If you go to www.LetsSayThanks.com, you can pick out a thank you card that Xerox will print and send to a soldier currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services. It is FREE and it only takes a few minutes.

Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them. This takes only minutes and it's a wonderful way to say thank you.

Please take the time and please pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough thank you's.

Card designs were drawn by children from all around the US.

Happy Veteran's Day

Polluting the oceans

Key Dear sent me this link and I have to post it. I've known about cargo ships and cruise ships dumping their waste and trash in the oceans for years. The ships and boats that visit the Galapagos are famous for it. But these photos really bring the message home.

Comedy Eavesdropping

Letterman's zipper

So wow, what a shock. Like all guys, David Letterman has a hard time keeping it in his zipper.

First of all, is anyone really surprised? Don't most people hook up at work these days? He's never had one complaint filed by any of the women he was involved with, not one. People have been fired or let go, but none of them has stepped up and said it was because they either were or weren't sleeping with the boss. And certainly for the last decade or more, when the uber-hypocritical conservatives were calling the shots, there is NO WAY anyone with anything even close to a legitimate gripe would not have filed suit. So the conservatives who are whining now should put a big ole stinky sock in their pieholes and shut up already.

The only people who might have a complaint would be those who were co-workers of the co-opted. This was pointed out by an attorney on the Today Show and maybe she has a point. Suppose you and a co-worker did the same job, side by side, except she was screwing the boss and you weren't. Come bonus time, did it cross your mind that she might get a little something extra in her envelope?

But that should be easy enough to prove or disprove. Check the tax records. If Dave wanted to give her a little something out of his own pocket, that's nobody else's business. And I'm hard pressed to see that as creating a hostile work environment, although I'm quite sure some drama queens will make it into a big brouhaha. And if your co-worker is prettier than you and gets more attention from the ignorant Y-chromosomes in the office, does that make it a hostile work environment for the less attractive worker, or the more attractive worker? You can see the wheels spinning on this already, right?

Imagine if Bill Clinton had had the balls to get ahead of the Lewinsky mess. He should have gone to Hillary in private and fessed up and taken his well-deserved lumps, then gone to the hearing and said, YES, I had sex with her...next question? Then he could have cut his lawyers loose on the conservatives who were pushing to impeach him for doing something they themselves were doing, screwing their mistresses or whomever, or playing footsy between the stalls in the mens' room at the park.

And no, this isn't the same thing. Letterman wasn't elected to office, nor does he claim to represent anyone but himself. While the standard for being an honest and trustworthy individual may be tarnished, he isn't in the same category as the Palin clan, who were trotted out as paragons of virtue by Sarah Palin, until she had to admit that they didn't practice what they preached while she was wanting to legislate everyone else's bedroom activities.

Of all the things about this that piss me off, I'm most angry at the patronizing attitude of conservatives, pretending to protect the wronged women. If a woman in this day and age won't stand up for herself, won't speak up if she feels she's being put in a hostile work environment, then she's got herself to blame. The last thing women in this country need is a group of self-interested men who talk out of both sides of their mouths, with a camera in all bedrooms and their hands in our pockets, claiming to speak for the best interests of the little, stupid women who voted for them. Ladies, collectively we have more balls than the guys do, and it's time we started standing up for ourselves. A little sisterhood will go a very long way.

Meanwhile, prosecute Robert Joel Halderman for extortion, name Stephanie Birkitt as an accomplice if appropriate, and get back to more important news, like healthcare.

Kanye West is a jerk

What a dick. I don't care whether you like Taylor Swift's music or not, that was her moment and he stole it from her. No apology will ever give that back. Thank god Beyonce has class to spare, because Kanye West sucks.

In case of Rapture...

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus...

Gotta love that. Real Christians know their beloved pets aren't going with them. I'm with the folks at EEBP, I'd rather stay behind with the pets. And if that isn't enough atheism for you...

...So when you feel like the only kid in town, without a God-like idol,
Here’s a list of famous atheists, so you don’t feel suicidal:

Ben Franklin and Thomas Edison, the Fathers of Invention,
Also Sigmund Freud, who discovered anal retention.

The Piano Man, Billy Joel, refused to join a sect.
Now we know why Rodney Dangerfield never got any respect

Angelina Jolie, astronomer Carl Sagan,
Put them together – not a bad-looking pagan [Sagan was really agnostic].

You don’t need a bar-mitzvah, or even baptism
Cause you can get blessed by Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens...

I don't think Adam Sandler will mind.

Of course, Franklin and Jefferson weren't really atheists, but they were secular and advocated tolerance, which surely puts them on the outs with many 'believers'.

GEICO Cuts Ads

A wake-up call for Glenn Beck and his ilk:

GEICO Cuts Ads from Glenn Beck's Show