Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Making the email rounds (thanks Anhaga!) — from October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Christians

Ah, Christians, what lovely people, they really understand the word of their god.

Thank you, Richard Dawkins, you made my day. If you ever publish a book of your hate mail, I'll buy it.

Ignorant people

I have very little tolerance for the ignorant. I suppose truly stupid people should be excused, they are simply incapable of learning and can't be expected to know any better, but the ignorant drive me up a wall. Ignorance is nothing more than intellectual laziness and selfishness.

I was looking for a barking bulldog animation for a job I'm working on — yes, I could make one, but if I can find one, it will save me some time. In my travels around the web, I came across this site about RV Campground Reviews. I suppose I should create yet another login name and password and reply to the bozo "Big Ben", but the discussion is already months old and I'm betting Ben can't keep a thought in his skull for more than a day.

Ben claims to be a dog lover, then after slamming certain large breeds (and can you really identify a pit bull just by looking at a dog?), he starts mentioning insurance companies and owners in denial. Here's a newflash, Ben: people, specifically breeders and owners, *are* the problem. While it is unlikely that a Beagle can kill you, millions of dollars are spent on dog bite injuries, and statistically, they can't all be pinned on the bad breeds of dogs. Pound for pound, the most dangerous breed is the Chihuahua, and I speak from a lot of personal experience. I've met exactly one mean Doberman, and he was trained to be mean when his owner was away. When his owner was there, you could drop-kick that dog and he wouldn't so much as bat an eye. Read up on that loser Michael Vick's court case. The reason he was hanging and electrocuting dogs, mostly pitbulls and Rottweilers, was because they would not fight. Get it? Bad dogs are abused, inbred, and trained to be bad. Who's fault is that? I'll spell it out for you, Ben, since I'm convinced you couldn't get a spark by rubbing two brain cells together. PEOPLE ruin dogs. And despite doing our worst, Vick proves that even bad breeding and abuse won't always make a dog mean. Dogs are far better beings than people.

There are about 75 million dogs in the US. Careful statistics are kept regarding maiming and fatal attacks, but the actual number of dog bites in general must be estimated. Roughly 1,000 Americans per day are treated in emergency rooms as a result of dog bites. In 2007 there were 32 fatal dog attacks in the USA. Most of the victims who receive medical attention are children, half of whom are bitten in the face. Dog bite losses exceed $1 billion per year, with over $300 million paid by homeowners insurance...

The insurance companies can't be expected to be happy about dogs that are capable of killing or seriously maiming a person, and that takes a big breed dog, but *any* dog that is having a bad moment can bite you. And before the insurance companies get on their high horse about dogs, they should take a look at health care, or car accidents caused by senior citizens, or having matches and children in the same house, or the pernicious threat posed by old men who wear hats while driving.

In 1994, the most recent year for which published data are available, an estimated 4.7 million dog bites occurred in the United States, and approximately 799,700 persons required medical care (1). Of an estimated 333,700 patients treated for dog bites in emergency departments (EDs) in 1994 (2), approximately 6,000 (1.8%) were hospitalized (3). To estimate the number of nonfatal dog bite--related injuries treated in U.S. hospital EDs, CDC analyzed data from the National Electronic Injury Surveillance System-All Injury Program (NEISS-AIP). This report summarizes the results of the analysis, which indicate that in 2001, an estimated 368,245 persons were treated in U.S. hospital EDs for nonfatal dog bite--related injuries. Injury rates were highest among children aged 5--9 years. To reduce the number of dog bite--related injuries, adults and children should be educated about bite prevention, and persons with canine pets should practice responsible pet ownership...

btw, "BIG Ben", I'm betting you should pay more attention to those male enhancement infomercials.

Cell phone commercials

Is this the most insipid commercial on tv right now? My teeth hurt every time this stupid cloying crap is on. I really dislike commercials that show women, even unseen women, as clinging or needy or vapid. We have enough negative stereotypes to deal with; it would be so nice if some of these advertising firms would hire a few women to vet this kind of malarky.

And it isn't only women who are made out to be stereotypes - men often come out looking just as stupid. Are we to believe that men are dogs who cannot control their impulses? AT&T seems to think so; they also evidently think women should just tolerate it, because boys will be boys.



Maybe this one is funny if you watch "The Hills, but if you don't, it is yet another example of boys making commercials for themselves. Either that or they want to prove the adage that guys prefer pretty women to brainy ones, because guys see better than they think.

Hey, this should have been Lorena Bobbitt's defense all along - if boys will be boys works, why shouldn't PMS is a bitch? PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day, right?

btw, if you talk to anyone who has one of these LG Shine phones, they will tell you that the mirror-like quality portrayed in the commercial is far from accurate.