Parody

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source
thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance
without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to
behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight
diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule,
aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his
ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more
vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior
level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a
180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He
was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with
blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so
much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive
of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly
lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to
one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task,
he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in
lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium
forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then
propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a
movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions
of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to
that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously
beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."

Sounds like something Pop Pop's friend would write!

I've Noticed

So Okay,,,, the wabbit and myself have had much on our plate... Tonite I am home and came here to get some relief... and REALLY wanted to read her take on the Tiger shit...
and the bullshit about Nike wanting to sponsor his wife for the new golf club, with the claim that it is the only club that can beat Tiger.......
All the crap aside.... I really wanted to be distracted with some real insight other than all the BULL in the papers, and TV on a very personal thing that was better left alone to a private personal matter...
I gotta say... "Shame on the whole thing" Shame Shame Shame... will we really know the whole story? who gives a crap... he screwed up a good thing.... Shame Shame Shame... I've been out of the loop and really don't pay much attention to the gossip columns but... TIGER??? HELLO????? Shame Shame Shame I'm thinking from what I've gleaned... Is there a man alive that doesn't equate fame with fornication?

Xerox helps you say Thanks

from Anhaga:

XEROX IS DOING SOMETHING COOL

If you go to www.LetsSayThanks.com, you can pick out a thank you card that Xerox will print and send to a soldier currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services. It is FREE and it only takes a few minutes.

Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them. This takes only minutes and it's a wonderful way to say thank you.

Please take the time and please pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough thank you's.

Card designs were drawn by children from all around the US.

Happy Veteran's Day

Polluting the oceans

Key Dear sent me this link and I have to post it. I've known about cargo ships and cruise ships dumping their waste and trash in the oceans for years. The ships and boats that visit the Galapagos are famous for it. But these photos really bring the message home.

Comedy Eavesdropping

Letterman's zipper

So wow, what a shock. Like all guys, David Letterman has a hard time keeping it in his zipper.

First of all, is anyone really surprised? Don't most people hook up at work these days? He's never had one complaint filed by any of the women he was involved with, not one. People have been fired or let go, but none of them has stepped up and said it was because they either were or weren't sleeping with the boss. And certainly for the last decade or more, when the uber-hypocritical conservatives were calling the shots, there is NO WAY anyone with anything even close to a legitimate gripe would not have filed suit. So the conservatives who are whining now should put a big ole stinky sock in their pieholes and shut up already.

The only people who might have a complaint would be those who were co-workers of the co-opted. This was pointed out by an attorney on the Today Show and maybe she has a point. Suppose you and a co-worker did the same job, side by side, except she was screwing the boss and you weren't. Come bonus time, did it cross your mind that she might get a little something extra in her envelope?

But that should be easy enough to prove or disprove. Check the tax records. If Dave wanted to give her a little something out of his own pocket, that's nobody else's business. And I'm hard pressed to see that as creating a hostile work environment, although I'm quite sure some drama queens will make it into a big brouhaha. And if your co-worker is prettier than you and gets more attention from the ignorant Y-chromosomes in the office, does that make it a hostile work environment for the less attractive worker, or the more attractive worker? You can see the wheels spinning on this already, right?

Imagine if Bill Clinton had had the balls to get ahead of the Lewinsky mess. He should have gone to Hillary in private and fessed up and taken his well-deserved lumps, then gone to the hearing and said, YES, I had sex with her...next question? Then he could have cut his lawyers loose on the conservatives who were pushing to impeach him for doing something they themselves were doing, screwing their mistresses or whomever, or playing footsy between the stalls in the mens' room at the park.

And no, this isn't the same thing. Letterman wasn't elected to office, nor does he claim to represent anyone but himself. While the standard for being an honest and trustworthy individual may be tarnished, he isn't in the same category as the Palin clan, who were trotted out as paragons of virtue by Sarah Palin, until she had to admit that they didn't practice what they preached while she was wanting to legislate everyone else's bedroom activities.

Of all the things about this that piss me off, I'm most angry at the patronizing attitude of conservatives, pretending to protect the wronged women. If a woman in this day and age won't stand up for herself, won't speak up if she feels she's being put in a hostile work environment, then she's got herself to blame. The last thing women in this country need is a group of self-interested men who talk out of both sides of their mouths, with a camera in all bedrooms and their hands in our pockets, claiming to speak for the best interests of the little, stupid women who voted for them. Ladies, collectively we have more balls than the guys do, and it's time we started standing up for ourselves. A little sisterhood will go a very long way.

Meanwhile, prosecute Robert Joel Halderman for extortion, name Stephanie Birkitt as an accomplice if appropriate, and get back to more important news, like healthcare.

Kanye West is a jerk

What a dick. I don't care whether you like Taylor Swift's music or not, that was her moment and he stole it from her. No apology will ever give that back. Thank god Beyonce has class to spare, because Kanye West sucks.

In case of Rapture...

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus...

Gotta love that. Real Christians know their beloved pets aren't going with them. I'm with the folks at EEBP, I'd rather stay behind with the pets. And if that isn't enough atheism for you...

...So when you feel like the only kid in town, without a God-like idol,
Here’s a list of famous atheists, so you don’t feel suicidal:

Ben Franklin and Thomas Edison, the Fathers of Invention,
Also Sigmund Freud, who discovered anal retention.

The Piano Man, Billy Joel, refused to join a sect.
Now we know why Rodney Dangerfield never got any respect

Angelina Jolie, astronomer Carl Sagan,
Put them together – not a bad-looking pagan [Sagan was really agnostic].

You don’t need a bar-mitzvah, or even baptism
Cause you can get blessed by Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens...

I don't think Adam Sandler will mind.

Of course, Franklin and Jefferson weren't really atheists, but they were secular and advocated tolerance, which surely puts them on the outs with many 'believers'.

GEICO Cuts Ads

A wake-up call for Glenn Beck and his ilk:

GEICO Cuts Ads from Glenn Beck's Show

Selfish and stupid

I know I'm a hardass when it comes to drinking and driving. If you want to drink yourself into the ground, by all means, go for it. But if you get behind the wheel of a car and are in an accident, then your ass belongs in jail. Sorry, but driving after you've been drinking is a choice and NOBODY gets excused.

The woman who died in a head-on crash into an sport-utility vehicle while driving a minivan the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway in Westchester County last week — killing her daughter, three nieces and three men in the S.U.V. — was drunk and had marijuana in her system, officials said Tuesday.

The woman, Diane Schuler, 36, of West Babylon, N.Y., had a blood alcohol level of 0.19 percent, more than twice the legal limit of 0.08 percent, Maj. William T. Carey, a troop commander with the New York State Police, said at an afternoon news conference. In addition, a 1.75-liter bottle of Absolut vodka was found in the minivan, he said...

I can hear the interviews with friends and family members now, about how kind and generous and loving this selfish bitch was.

I'm not interested in anyone's whiny excuses, like "I'm a good drunk driver" or "I wasn't that drunk" or "I only had one drink" or "I didn't know what I was doing" or especially "Someone should have stopped me". You can go ahead and fuck yourself up if you want to &mdash and when you do, shut up whining about it, you made your choice. In fact, take yourself out of the gene pool and get it over with. But under no circumstances do you have the right to screw up or kill anyone else because you made a selfish and thoughtless decision. Either find a friend who is willing to stay sober and be responsible for your selfish ignorant ass, or take a cab/a bus/public transportation/walk, or stay home.

You can't help but be heartbroken for the three men in the SUV who this cow* hit head-on, or the young children who hopefully died quickly and didn't know what happened. Imagine how her poor son is going to feel once he's old enough to know what happened. As for Ms. Schuler, the only good that comes out of a tragedy like this is that she is dead and won't be killing or maiming anyone else, or ruining another family's lives.

*My sincere apologies to all bovines.

Pranknet bully hides behind his mommy

This is too funny. This cowardly asswipe and his bully cronies have been making phone calls to people in motels or employees at fast food joints and scaring the bejeezus out of them, getting them to do all kinds of things thinking they were in imminent danger. But leave it to The Smoking Gun to out these idiots.

...Coalescing in an online chat room, members of the group, known as Pranknet, use the telephone to carry out cruel and outrageous hoaxes, which they broadcast live around-the-clock on the Internet. Masquerading as hotel employees, emergency service workers, and representatives of fire alarm companies, "Dex" and his cohorts have successfully prodded unwitting victims to destroy hotel rooms and lobbies, set off sprinkler systems, activate fire alarms, and damage assorted fast food restaurants.

But while Pranknet's hoaxes have caused millions of dollars in damages, it is the group's efforts to degrade and frighten targets that makes it even more odious. For example, a bizarre July 20 prank ended with a hotel worker actually sipping from a urine sample provided by a guest at a Homewood Suites in Kentucky. Additionally, at least twice this year, fast food workers--fearing that they would suffer burns after being doused by chemicals from a fire suppression system--stripped off their clothes on the sidewalk outside their respective restaurants...

Oh my, aren't these people clever and funny. NOT.

So what happens when TSG shows up at "Dex's" house? He hides in his bedroom with his mommy.

On July 21, a pair of TSG reporters approached "Dex"'s building at 1637 Assumption Street in Windsor, where he lives in the ground-floor 'B' apartment. Calling to his mother, who was standing near an open living room window, a reporter asked her to summon her son. The woman disappeared into "Dex"'s adjoining bedroom, where the pair could be heard whispering. Despite repeated requests to come out and speak with TSG, "Dex" hid with his mother in his bedroom, the windows of which were covered with plastic shopping bags, a towel, and one black trash bag.

As the sun set and his room darkened, "Dex" did not reach to turn on a light. The notorious Internet Tough Guy, who has gleefully used the telephone to cause all kinds of havoc, was now himself panicking. He had been found. And, as a result, was barricaded in Pranknet World Headquarters with his mom, while two reporters loitered outside his window and curious neighbors wondered what was up.

That's when the online outlaw came up with a plan...

Cowering in his room with his mother, Malik called 911 to report "suspicious persons" outside his home (it is unclear whether he used Skype to beckon cops). According to Windsor Police Service records, Malik asked not to be contacted by officers when they arrived at the Assumption Street address. Despite that request, Fouzia Malik, 51, eventually allowed a pair of Windsor patrolmen to enter the family's $600-a-month apartment. The officers spent about 30 minutes conferring with Tariq before emerging to report that he did not wish to speak with reporters...

Throw this jackass in a dank dark cell and lose the key. Same for his pals. Don't let them talk to each other or even contact each other. And no internet access for any of them until the end of time.

Healthcare for Congress

"For the average worker, the Federal Employees Health Benefits Plan would probably look quite attractive," said Pete Sepp, a spokesman for the National Taxpayers Union, a pinch-penny advocacy group.

Indeed, a question often surfaces: Why can't everyone enjoy the same benefits as members of Congress? The answer: The country probably couldn't afford it -- not without reforms to bring costs way, way down.

Given their choices, lawmakers can tailor coverage in a way most Americans cannot. If a child has asthma, for instance, a federal employee might opt for coverage that costs a little more but has a bigger doctor network and lower office-visit fees.

The plan most favored by federal workers is Blue Cross Blue Shield, which covers a family for about $1,030 a month. Taxpayers kick in $700, and employees pay the rest. Seeing a doctor costs $20. Generic prescriptions cost $10. Immunizations are free. There is no coverage limit.

Federal employees also enjoy a significant benefit denied the average American: There is no such thing as a preexisting condition, which keeps many sick people from obtaining insurance. Once hired, federal workers are eligible for coverage no matter their health, with no waiting period.

Voters sense a disconnect...

I'll say we sense a disconnect. I've been saying it forever — term limits and no lifetime benefits for Congresscritters. Once you are out of office, you can sign up for COBRA (hahahaha) just like everyone else, then go get a job and see what kind of healthcare is available. Oh, btw, that job cannot be in any way a lobbying job. All elected officials should have to sign a lifetime binding contract to that effect.

Representative Steve Kagen, a Democrat from Wisconsin, is the only Congressperson who has refused to accept federal healthcare benefits. He is the lone member who actually understands what the issue is about, or at least what it should be about. From the same LA Times article:

Kagen recently had knee surgery, writing checks for more than $4,500 after bargaining for a reduced-rate MRI and a 50% discount on the operation. (He is still dickering over the hospital bill.)

"If every member of Congress put their heads on their pillow every night like I do ... knowing this could be the night I lose my house, we'd fix healthcare in a week," said Kagen, who spent decades as a doctor in the Green Bay area before winning office in 2006.

Kagen said his wife and three of his four children have health coverage. But not his oldest daughter, 28, who can't afford insurance.

She's a nurse in Miami.

The only people who should have lifetime taxpayer-financed healthcare are those armed forces personnel who have served 20 years or seen combat (including National Guard members). All others, welcome to my world.

Kiss My Big Blue Butt

I need heroes, and in addition to Helen, I have found another. Susan DuQuesnay Bankston of Kiss My Big Blue Butt is a woman of my stripe. Or perhaps I am one of hers. Whatever. I like her style.

Thanks to Mark H. for letting us know that the Texas Board of Ignorance, errr Education, has decided that history is what they say it is ---

United Farmworkers founder César Chávez is an unfitting role model for students, and former Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall is not an appropriate historical figure. So say “expert reviewers” in their report to the Texas State Board of Education, which recommends removing the two U.S. leaders from the social studies curriculum taught to its 4.7 million public school students.

I don't know what the big deal is here. I mean, if you let little minority kids know that they, too, can make a difference in the world, then the next thing you know, they'll start thinking they can be President or something.  This dangerous trend must be stopped.

Check her out.

Margaret and Helen

This is without a doubt my new favorite blog to read. Margaret and Helen are thoughtful, opinionated, brave, and old enough to not give a crap what anyone thinks of them. I hope Michelle Obama reads their blog. Helen does most of the posting and Margaret drops in her two cents, but what a pair they are! They are fabulous.

On Sarah Palin's resignation:

Margaret, I watched Sarah Palin’s resignation speech and all I have to say is, “What the hell was that?” My God that woman is an idiot. I have said this before, but I feel the need to say it again. Her problems did not come because the media was against her. Her problems come because every time you stick a microphone in front of her mouth a whole lot of stupid falls out.

Things are getting tough and once again she is trying to hide behind that dysfunctional family of hers. She actually stood there and talked about how the Palins had a family meeting and everyone agreed it was time for her to step down as Governor. Well, I call bullshit. The only family meetings the Palins have usually involve someone peeing on an early pregnancy test stick...

I read them and feel like I've found my political doppelgangers. I mean it. Really.

Blow a kiss, no diploma for you

Is it me, or is that a school superintendent who needs her ass fired? Justin Denney blows a kiss, bows and points to his family and for that she refuses to give him his diploma? Honey, if that's what you consider misbehaving, then not only should you never hold a job in any capacity at any school, but any school district that supports you should just cancel graduation ceremonies altogether and mail the damn diplomas.

And what's the lesson students will learn? If you want to blow a kiss, or bow, or acknowledge your family in any way, wait until you have the diploma in your hand, then do whatever the hell you want.

Stupid woman.

Das Rad

And now for something completely different…



Ein lebhaftes kurz über die Entwicklung des Menschen durch die Perspektive von zwei Steinen auf einem Hügel. The movie is in German with English subtitles.

Konkurrieren mit das, Hündinnen.

Orville Redenbacher

Another good father commercial. At first I thought this one would be another stereotypical little-girl-tea-party ad, but it breaks new ground. First, this is a black family. There are still too many narrow-minded bigots who think that black families don't even exist as such, nevermind that their little girls have the same hopes and dreams as their daughters. But the clincher is when the big brother and father dress up and fold themselves into tiny chairs to be part of the tea party, all to get some popcorn. "Napkins, napkins." Too funny. My own father would have taken the whole bowl of popcorn away from me and told me I was selfish, so you can just imagine how much I appreciate this commercial.

I've been wanting to post about this ad for a long time, but had to wait to find it on YouTube. It wasn't on the Redenbacher site.

Fatherhood

The Ad Council has several PSAs running, including two promoting good parenting by fathers, but this one is my personal favorite. Actually, this is one of my very favorite commercials, period. Who wouldn't love to have a father like this?

I hope this ad inspires a few guys to get over themselves and not be embarrassed to be good parents in whatever form that takes.

Manny being Manny

I think Jonathan Papelbon sums it up nicely:

"They make a pamphlet in Spanish and English telling you what you can and can't take," said Papelbon. "It's not that hard."

Maybe we don't know everything, but look at what is known.

Ramirez is 37 years old and is still considered one of the best hitters in baseball. Nevermind that he's a glory hound and not a team player in a team sport — he can whack the ball, which gives him the chance to stand at home plate and admire his work. We're talking about being one of the very best at doing something that is widely considered to be the most difficult thing in sports, hitting a major league pitch. You may not agree with that (I don't), but let's accept it for the sake of the discussion. How is it that people like Ramirez and Barry Bonds, among countless others, get better at this most difficult of things when they should be winding down? Power hitting is not something that improves with age. Pitching might, but not hitting. Pool players improve with age. Baseball players do not, at least not after age 35 or so.

Ramirez was suspending for failing a drug test that was administered in Spring training. He tested positive for HCG, human chorionic gonadotropin, a female hormone prescribed to stimulate female fertility, testosterone production in men and to treat delayed puberty in boys. It is also used to restart the body's natural testosterone cycle after the use of anabolic steroids. According to ESPN, testing by Major League Baseball showed that Ramirez had testosterone in his body that was not natural and came from an artificial source, two people with knowledge of the case told ESPN's Mark Fainaru-Wada and T.J. Quinn. The sources said that in addition to the artificial testosterone, Ramirez was identified as using the female fertility drug human chorionic gonadotropin, or hCG. The sources said Ramirez was suspended for using hCG because baseball had documentation to prove his use of the drug…

Let the whining being.